Friday, May 6, 2016

Dear Sweet Daughter of Mine

My dear little girl,

We've had a rough go of it this past year.  Lots of change, lots of hurt, lots of scary stuff that you probably can't really understand.  I try so hard to explain it to you in a way that makes it less scary, but still leaves you with the big picture.  I worry that I am failing.  I worry that I am not saying enough, or that I am saying too much.

My sweet one, I wish there was a way that I could shield your heart from all of these gross, hateful, heartbreaking adult changes that our family is going through right now.  You are so smart and so intuitive and empathetic.  I worry that your heart is absorbing so much more than I can see.  I worry about the sadness you are feeling.  I worry that you are going to grow up with scars that you should never ever have had to bear.  I worry that I won't be able to protect you from the feelings of loss and abandonment.  That I won't be enough for you in the day to day, especially while I am still grieving too.

Being your mommy has been the most amazing, life changing event.  I promise that I am trying my best, even when I fail miserably.  I promise to always say sorry when I am in the wrong.  To hold you when you cry.  To remind you daily of your worth.  To show you what unconditional love looks like so you never ever have to grow up with the scars that come with never having experienced it.  I have seen what that does to a person, and I will never let that happen to you, my love.  You are strong, and brave, and kind.  I'll remind you when you feel unsure.

I promise that I will try so hard to help you grow up and see that you deserve better than the way that mommy was treated.  Because if I ever had to watch you go through what I am going through right now it would kill me.  My sweet one, you deserve better.  I will fight for you.  I will fight for your heart.  I will try daily to put God first and make sure that you know that your Heavenly Father is only good.  That he will never ever leave you.  He will never ever forsake you.  He keeps his Word, and He is for you.  That's what you deserve.  That's what love really looks like.

Sometimes I worry.  I worry when you are acting out that I've done something wrong, said the wrong things, not comforted you enough in the last nine scary months.  I worry that the damage you have already suffered is deep and raw and will alter your life's path.  I'm your mom.  I worry about everything.  But then you go and do the most amazing things.  I hear you in the other room, worshipping your sweet heart out, and walk in to see you with your eyes closed, your face and hands lifted to the One who is Worthy, and I feel peace and hope that at least I'm doing the most important thing right.  I have hope that I'm modeling that you can always trust your Heavenly Father.  That He is always worthy of your love, even in the midst of really trying and heartbreaking times.  Because if you have that, sweet one, you can make it through anything.

It grieves my heart that you have been robbed of the innocence of your childhood.  That you have had the simplicity of a child's trust stolen from you.  It makes my mama heart hurt, and it makes my mama heart angry.  I never questioned any of the things you will question now when I was growing up, and it breaks me that this is your broken reality.

But I promise you this, my little girl, God can redeem.  God will redeem.  That's what He does.  He takes heartbreaking brokenness and unrecognizable ashes and builds something so very beautiful.  I believe that is what He will do in our lives, yours, mine, and your brother's.  I wait every day to see how it will unfold.  How He will redeem.

So I may worry, because that's what moms do, but in the deep of my heart I have faith that He will provide.  He will redeem.  He will protect you and your heart.  He will help you choose more wisely than your mother did when you are ready to fall in love and start your own family.  He will keep your heart safe and healthy.  I can't promise that you'll never experience heartbreak.  In fact, unfortunately I can promise you that you will.  But I can also promise that your Daddy in Heaven is bigger than any heartbreak.  Including the one you are feeling now.

You are so loved, my sweet, silly baby.  And your Heavenly Father and I will make sure you always know it.  No matter what.

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